This Kodak Instamatic FILM camera belongs to my friend, Reika Goh- my 16 year old neighbor who just moved back to Singapore.  She bought it at a thrift store in San Francisco.  The story of the FILM camera began with one of those milestone moments of adulthood.  It went something like this...

I was driving my two teen neighbors home after our final Hapa-Hafu Kitchen Project (HKP)- a semi-regular time to cook fusion foods that celebrate our mixed heritages. As I drove, I overheard this conversation between the girls sitting in the back:
Reika: "I went thrifting last weekend on Haight St"
Clarissa: "My sister and her friends like to do that, did you get anything?"
Reika: "Yeah! I got a FILM camera!!!"
Clarissa: "Oh, wow, that's cool! I got a FILM camera from my Dad. What kind of FILM camera is it?"
Reika: "A Kodak Instamatic, it's such a COOL FILM camera!"
Clarissa: "Does it work?"
Reika: "I think so, but I have to put new film in it. I'm SO excited to have a FILM camera."

All I could hear was this strange use of the word FILM with camera.  I piped in: "Wait, why are you girls talking about a FILM camera? All cameras use film." Silence... "Oh,...wait,.... right I guess, they're digital now... oh, right, and mobile phones as cameras... Wait, wait, you mean, you girls haven't ever known film in cameras?"  

In the typical, resistant disbelief one experiences in these moments, I said confidently, ardently, "Surely, they still sell cameras that use film in stores; high end cameras use film. Of course, a store like Best Buy also sells cameras with film, not only thrift stores." At that moment, we passed a Best Buy and determined by a haze of denial and curiosity, I bet the girls $1 that Best Buy sold cameras with FILM.  So in we went and wandered around the "camera" section --- all digital cameras--- disbelief!  Thanks to disposable FILM cameras, I didn't lose the $1, but it was humbling.  As we got back into the car, I groveled, "Oh man, I'm officially old now! Thanks for bearing with me through that 'catching up with time' moment."  Laughter erupted!
 
Then I wanted to get into the nitty gritty details, "So, does the camera have undeveloped film in it?"
Reika: "Yes, but it's not recoverable."
Kate: "Why not?"
Reika: "It's in a cartridge and I would have to take it out in pitch dark and I don't think it'll work"
Kate: "Of course, it can be done! And WE HAVE to do it! Imagine what story might be hidden in the film?! Who gives away a camera with film in it?  Pictures tell a story- maybe it's a love story, a mystery to be solved. We have to find out the story inside this camera-- where it's been, to whom it belonged, it'll be a mystery for the HKP to solve..." 
Reika: "I don't think it'll work, it has to be pitch dark and we have to get it out of the cartridge and keep it sealed. And I think the film is really old, kind of like the camera."
Kate: "We can do it! We have to do it!"  

Back to Kate:

So, when we got home that night, I converted my bathroom into a dark room.  We took the cartridge out of the camera and began fiddling with it. Pulling, twisting, pulling, twisting.  It was hard to pull apart. At one point, it seemed that there was no way we could break this plastic without damaging the cartridge (remember this was all in the dark!) Then it "popped" (i.e. we cracked it) and then we worked that crack until it opened.  As I pulled the film out, there was a layer of paper attached to the back of the film.  I rolled it up and placed it into this double sealed wood container.  We put an extra layer of tape on the outside to make sure that it didn't open and expose the film.

I went off to Europe and Africa for work.  Reika moved back to Singapore.  The film canister sat neglected on my desk until the fall when I met Eugene Kim, an avid photographer who posted something on Facebook about film and it reminded me that I wanted to get the film developed.  I asked for a recommendation of a place to get film developed-- realizing that now, getting FILM developed is a novelty.  

Eventually, I took the container to Gasser Photo in San Francisco. I had an excited though mostly incoherent conversation with the very patient, knowledgable employee who listened to my story about the camera.  She endeavored to decipher what kind of camera it was, because I kept referring to the "cartridge" yet said that it was not a Polariod. I didn't remember the make/model of camera or know the type of film.  She opined that it was 110 film and advised me that I needed to be sure what type of film it was before I got it developed.  While that is quite logical, it had entirely slipped my mind.  I had only known 35 mm film and polariods; I didn't realize there were so many different types of film!

I emailed Reika in Singapore to confirm the film type from the cartridge container; 126 film was the reply.  Then began the quest to find a photo lab that could develop 126 film. Thanks to Wikipedia, I learned about different types of film and discovered that Kodak discontinued making 126 film in 2008, so there are very few labs with the chemicals needed to develop this type of film.  On a January trip to LA, I decided to check for photo labs. It's Hollywood- people use film here! Sure enough, I found Simi Valley Photo Lab.  I called the shop and they had the chemicals to develop 126 film though the owner strongly warned me that it was likely that there would be nothing viewable on the film.  While I was wildly enthusiastic about the story that might come from these long lost pictures, I was equally pragmatic to realize that it was likely 30+ year old film, subjected to who knows what conditions and would almost certainly be unreadable. 

When I went to the store to drop off the film, I told the owner about the adventures with the FILM camera that was now in Singapore.  He suggested that I wait while the film was developed since it was likely there wouldn't be anything on it, so that I didn't unnecessarily pay for images to be scanned.  He seemed perplexed by my enthusiasm to develop pictures from a camera that wasn't mine.  I explained that I was following through on the project with my 16 year old friend and I wanted her to have a sense of the joys and wonder from learning the history of "things" - all too forgotten in a highly disposable world.  He commented, "Who do you think are the ones who are using film cameras?  It's almost all teenagers." I left for 30 minutes where I waited for what seemed like an eternity.  It was exactly 1 year since the car conversation that started this whole adventure... what would come of it? 

I drove back to the shop and went in.  The owner emerged from the back with a roll of negatives and a look of disbelief.  "Well, you won't believe it but there are images on here." I ordered scanned images to be emailed.  They arrived a week later.  I was shocked by how well they turned out!  

While I was traveling in Southern Africa in February,  I experienced ubuntu ... a beautiful ethic/humanist concept of people coming together to help each other out... Read more about ubuntu philosophy (Wikipedia). 

Recently, I experienced ubuntu personally while preparing for my first TEDx talk for TEDxBarcelonaChange: Positive Disruption in Global Health, part of TEDxChange sponsored by the Gates Foundation.  

I received incredible insight, wisdom, and tips from from my community.  Under the attentive eye of the magnificent event organizer and social innovation catalyst Aurelie Salvarie among other dedicated readers, 20 drafts of the script and many practice sessions later, I had a masters-level crash course in storytelling and public speaking.  

People shared their talent and time to assist in crafting an effective message.   From TED worth presentation guru Brooke Estin on visuals to Florian Mueck of the 7 Minute Talk as speaker coach, I was immersed in awesomeness with one single aim: to make a message that would touch and inspire people.  Less than 36 hours before, I had a raging fever and no voice.  Ironically, it was April Fools Day (April 1) and I thought if I call Aurelie to tell her, she will think it is a mean joke. It  was the participation of so many people in getting to that moment that buoyed my recovery.  When it was game time, I gave it my all. 

Wabi-sabi is a Japanese concept about perfection in imperfection.  This TEDx is raw rather than polished. I barely had my voice back and was desperately trying not to cough.  Wabi-sabi also underpins the idea.  Sometimes we have to step out, before we are fully prepared with all of the rehearsals that we need.  We have to experiment and improvise.  We go forward before perhaps things are perfect. Perhaps we don't feel ''ready.'  Yet we step out into life anyway, imperfect, unpolished. We are open to learning.  We are vulnerable and honest. it's that authenticity that makes the beauty that is wabi-sabi.  

We were standing on a bridge, not yet far enough out on it to be over the water. Below, straight down through the gaps in the wood, were the rooftops of small colorful floating houses that hugged the edge of the lake.

We’d been moving for months, spending a night or a week or a month in a town or a city or a country. Traveling in little circles: days like this one from guest house to Burmese border and back. Inside bigger circles: two weeks from Bangkok to countryside and back. Inside the  biggest circle: a year, tracing a path around the world before returning home again.

But at that moment on the bridge, we were standing very still.

“I just can’t,” he said. “It doesn’t look safe. It’s too high. It’s too long. I know I’m not being reasonable. But I can’t do it. I can’t walk across it. I’m sorry.”

I felt a rush of frustration. I looked across the bridge and felt it pulling at me. It was a familiar feeling, this tug to be somewhere other than where I was. That feeling was responsible for all of these circles, all of this traveling.

But his fear was real, and his apology was heartfelt. He was clearly miserable, unable to push through the force that kept his feet from taking another step.

I felt a rush of compassion. “It’s ok,” I said to comfort him. “Really, really, it’s ok. I’m happy to be right here, really I am. We don’t have to walk any further in order for me to be happy. I am happy to be right here, exactly here and no where else.”

These words were for him. At first. And then as I heard myself say these things I found myself opening to the possibility that they were true. And then with a jolt they were, and I felt a cracking open in the center of my chest where the need to be somewhere else had always been. Exploring that space I found only a sense of deep acceptance and peacefulness for where I was at that very moment.

What a tremendous gift, to know that sense for the first time. It was a moment of such joy.

I don’t know why it came then, and not during a thousand similar moments. Something to do with being satiated from all of that motion, and being ready to let go of my end of whatever had always been pulling at me. And certainly something to do with how much I loved him, how much I wanted to be where he was and not anywhere else.

What I do know is that having felt it once, I’ve been able to return to it again and again. Eyes open or closed, I can turn my attention to exactly where I am.

In this time.

In this place.

A moment of joy for simply being here.

Learn more about Christine Egger and follow her on Twitter @CDEgger

A Moment of Joy was originally published on joycampaign.org, September 2011. 

This post is one in a series of posts that document pilot/prototype projects with the format 5 things that I wish someone had told me before I started in <5% of the time spent on the project.  This post also provides some context around the project, since it was a cornerstone project for me in the second half of 2011. 

In June 2011, Edward Harran and I embarkeded on a 6 month experiment. A deep dive collaboration across the Pacific Ocean. Eddie in Queensland. Kate in San Francisco.  Part mastermind for our personal projects and consulting gigs, part virtual praxis of a future of work digital innovation lab for a globally distributed team and part incubator of ideas. We set off to explore. 

Macroscope, coined by Eddie, reflects the "big picture" - multi/inter-disciplinary, systems perspective that we endeavored to sensemake in our lab.  Mindful. Playful. Creative. Engaged. Curious.  The aim was to make complex simple.  To bring big together with narrow in the sacred space of creative possibility between.  To transform the experience of chaos and mess into something sublime. Ultimately, we wanted to build a place to play with our creative potential and to hold a space that would allow the value of the spaces in between to emerge, unfold, expand...  with a macroscope perspective to unleash the potential for social impact.... and we wanted to live mindfully and productively working in a digitally-mediated global context.

In 6 months, we cogenerated amazing ideas that continue to live in us- expressed from time to time in posts and projects.  We honed a vision for Macroscope Labs* (mL) from future of work ideas, such as the world's first Center for the Emerging _____  and a research proposal to pilot and analyze the innovation value of an Ecosystem Diplomatic Corps (Ecosystem Diplomats explained)... to systems issues that we frame-worked* such as Macroscope Playhouse and Macroscope Compass... to finding a home base for our shared personal narratives as "context chameleons"* and knowmads.  

Eddie brought the knowmads idea fully to life from concept to a brilliant presentation delivered at TEDxBrisbane.  It was an epic achievement and an ideal culmination of our journey together in the Macroscope Labs experiment.

• No one will understand what you are doing.  (They'll think you are nuts.) You may not understand what you are doing. (You may wonder if you are crazy)  When it's over, no one, including yourself, will understand what you did or why it mattered. And yet, it is most important that you do it.  Experiments are our learning way into the future. You will learn and the people you work/play with will learn. However, don't expect anyone in the current world of work to understand and/or to value your skills from an experiment about the future of work- now that is nuts!  

          Take home: Don't let the present judge the future.  Let the future judge the past. 

• While the future is full of possibility, we still live in the present. A lot can happen with alternative, complementary and gift currencies/economies, yet one needs money to live in the present.  TimeBank, for example, still needs about 30% of the value they generate in dollars in order to fund their own operations.  Think about yourself as the TimeBank, make sure that you have enough to cover your basic survival needs in the present before embarking on the future.  Future-focused projects take time to build traction and attract the kind of funding that they need to sustain themselves on an ongoing basis.  Long enough for the present to catch up with that future horizon on which you are operating.  As with any new business, there is a period of time until you have a steady cash flow; likely wise, with a new technology, one has to be adequately prepared to "cross the chasm," the period of time between when an small pocket of early adopters discover and endorse the product until it grows to a steady early market of mainstream users. Think of future-focused projects as both a new business and a new technology and prepare accordingly. Bring extra reserves to cross the chasm between you and the Oasis, it may be like crossing the Sahara.... and that's fun as long as you are prepared!

          Take home: Feet in the present, eye on the future... and mind the Chasm!

• If you know that you want to leave signposts for others, be sure to have a documentation strategy.  If you want to make things beautiful, be sure to have a designer on your team.  If you want to do things quick and dirty, know how to explain the vision simply and to scaffold the context accessibly, because people may not 'get' the messy version.  If the goals that you have don't align with the skills that you have on the team, then shift the goals to play to the strengths of your team or get the skills. Alignment on this is mission critical. My hunch: skill set for the future worker will be radically different; people will need to know how to communicate simply and effectively in writing, code and drawing. 

          Take home: Know your audience and get the right team- diverse skills sets with varying pockets of depth, 
           what you don't know, you learn rapidly, and eager to do what needs to be done for the project's success. 
 

• Before you start and along the way, identify a means for you to demonstrate what you learned, what skills you developed, what learning you gained.  When a job/role does not fit in the present, it is hard for people in the present to understand how to interpret what was undertaken.  Some ideas on how to approach that are outlined in a 5*5 Systematic Approach to move from Idea to Pilot and from 5 years ago, I posted a seed {idea post} for the BeWell, WorkWell tool for soft skills development. More recently, a seed {idea post} for a learning journey tool, which would enable people to identify and demonstrate soft skill learning under emergent conditions. 

          Take home: Prepare to document what you are learning at the outset.  Remember to do it along the way! 

• On the journey to the future, other people will emerge around you who seem to be doing the same thing.  Celebrate that! Celebrate them!  Team up. When possible an open knowledge framework enables you to engage more people and grow more rapidly.  Share your learnings. If they don't want to play, then let it go and celebrate them anyway!  It will take many people trying, many times in order for one team to break through the wall of the present.  Be happy that you are one of those pushing the wall, and be confident that whether you are that one or not, your initiative contributes to launching a new direction.  Those who rise quickly, do so by standing on the shoulders of those who came before.  There are always those who came before.  Find them and learn from them.   Most 'lauded' inventors didn't actually invent what they are known for, they made an vital improvement that took the invention to a new level of market accessibility.  

          Take home: Celebrate others! Open source everything possible. Seek out those who preceded and learn from them.

• Never underestimate the power of in person

*We had all of these domain names.  My registrations glitched on the renew, and so they are released- all available. Go do something interesting and build on our ideas.  Give us a shout out when you do so that we can amplify your work! 

Thought contributors:  With immense gratitude to and for Eddie Harran,  my brilliant collaborator, awesome ideas instigator, cherished friend, mindful mate and hapatwin.  Thanks to David Hood and the Gathering '11 energy for pulling Eddie and me to Melbourne where we sealed the deal on mL. Never underestimate the power of in person. 

Yesterday, I went for a walk by the San Francisco Bay. There is a spot along the Chrissy Field path where there are wonderful rocks- different shapes and sizes, that are perfect for building rock sculptures.  There is a rock sculptor who frequents the spot, painting the landscape with an array of sculptures that expand the heart, challenge the mind, but most of the people are walking  or jogging on the path with a specific focus - daily exercise, chatting with a friend, sightseeing to reach the base of the golden gate bridge- not the sort who stop off the path to build rock sculptures.

As I was building these rock sculptures... or rather, trying to get the rocks to stay on top of each other, I became increasingly aware of how self conscious I felt.  People jogging by would hush their conversation as they passed, and I wondered what they were thinking and for those running alone, I wondered if they even noticed the person playing in the rocks. As my self-consciousness increased, the rocks tumbled defiantly down. Then, I heard a voice ...
"What are you doing there?"
"Uh, trying to balance the rocks to build a sculpture"
"Why are you doing that?"
"I enjoy it- it's fun finding the rhythm of the rocks"
"Isn't it just a waste of time. It'll blow over by sunset in this wind."
"Probably, but will you go out tonight and drink a few beers?"
"Yeah, so?"
"The buzz will wear off by morning, but you had fun getting it, right?"
 
I had been just about ready to call it a day, but my stubbornness beckoned me to persist, maybe even a kind of pride.  I struggled with the rocks exerting the force of my will on their geometry.  As I became more at ease with what I was doing, I was able to be curious about the rocks- what angle and weight distribution will allow this rock to be stable? I listened for their rhythm and then, the rocks settled- fitting together as if by magic, though mostly the magic of sheer tenacity. 

Doing something that one is passionate about it such fun, we grow through all our layers of insecurity because people will say ... "what are you doing?", "you are crazy!", "don't do that", "it's a waste of time"  ... and even once you get past "the naysayers," it won't be easy... you will have to overcome your own doubt, struggles, questioning about your decisions... and the conditions may lead you to adapt the vision, to modify the project, to abort...  Yesterday, I persisted until I had three small sculptures, they were shorter than I like but with determination, tenacity and curiosity, I found the harmony among them.

I took three things home from my rock building yesterday...

• Things that appear impossible can be realized with perseverance. 
  
• There are times, when it is not the right moment, and we must have the courage and insight to adapt, modify, abort.
• Things that seem unstable can have real stability when properly aligned.

As I walked toward home, I wondered- with tonight's wind, the sculptures will be gone soon, why did I spend that time building those sculptures?  When I walk on a path and I see rock sculptures, I smile. The sculptures invite me to see the landscape just a bit differently that challenges the status quo and inspires joy.  I appreciate the effort that reminds me to push my sense of what is possible.  So I spent an hour yesterday having fun building three small rock sculptures, maybe they will be a beacon to inspire others to jump off the path- it's a life worth living!

In 2005, I graduated from Cardozo Law School with a certificate in Bioethics and Medical Humanities and a certificate in Alternative Dispute Resolution.  I wanted to work in clinical ethics using the approach of Bioethics Mediation as was used by Nancy Dubler at Montefiore Medical Center where I did an internship during law school.  I taught my first course in bioethics at the New School University in the summer of 2005.  

Then I embarked on a two year self-designed Masters/Fellowship in sustainable leadership, ethics and conflict resolution.  No programs offered what I wanted. I considered a traditional MA program in conflict resolution or a fellowship in clinical ethics, but each had parts but not all of what I wanted, so I decided to save money and design my own learning program.  

In many professions, training is ill-suited to the actual work that they one does. Thrust into positions of responsibility for which they are ill-prepared, people cope by scrambling to prove themselves, they often hide their stress and fears in addiction, and many spend their professional lives running from the shadow of incompetence until they catch their equilibrium years, maybe decades later. None of my mentors thought that I needed further training, but I did and I began when I felt ready.  Not because I lack confidence, rather because I wanted to show up differently.

1. Be aware that the world does not understand self-designed.  Make the decision to self-design with the awareness that getting what you want and need because you designed the education yourself may come with the cost that others may not recognize and value the work that you did because it was not "contained" within a formally recognized setting and format.  We remain in a time of transition, some areas embrace alternatives more readily than others.  Think very carefully about this decision, especially if you want to work in a traditional field.

2. Money still factors in.  While I did not enroll in a 2 year MA program that might have cost $30k + living expenses.  I still had living expenses and the costs of multiple workshops, trainings, travel to get to courses.  Today, I am enrolled in 4 courses via the internet but 6-7 years ago that was not possible.  Alternative curriculum design may become more accessible with these kinds of courses being more accessible (for now free, we'll see how long that lasts).  Not being in a traditional structure means that you can't access student loans.  So kickstarter/indi-go-go/ start up you/ student funder are all options; like internships, self-designed alternative education remains limited to those with the privilege of a cushion of support.

3. Develop a documenting strategy at the outset. It may get modified but begin with a vision for how to share what you've learned and what you want to show as the learning at the end.  I wrote about the need for better tools to support self-designed learning in this post: Learning Journey Tools Requested  

• The best strategy that I heard about was for a self-designed PhD.  In collaboration with a mentor: you identify 8 core topics that are the foundation for the thesis, then you teach on those core topics to demonstrate that you learned them.  Then you have 3 areas for in depth study and you agree on how you will show the mentor that you have mastered these areas.  Finally, you write and defend the dissertation.  This can be modified for a lower level of study.
  

4. Creating a self-designed course of learning builds an unique life skill of self-directed learner.  Most people go to school, and schools say what courses are available, what you have to take to qualify for your major, school ensures lots of other people around doing the same thing you are, and school determines the exam schedule to demonstrate success.  A self-designed education requires:

•  the self-knowledge to know what you know and what you don't know
• the curiosity to determine what you need to learn
• the resourcefulness to seek alternative venues to find places to gain that knowledge/experience
• the creativity to access those learning opportunities
• the motivation to keep going when you are on your own at every juncture
• the perseverance to keep going when things are tough; no flow/current carries you other than your own conviction 
• the courage to share your learnings for public scrutiny.  Unlike in school, the public can be a tougher critic than a professor for a test and comments are public and permanent. 

The upside is that life, which increasingly requires learning new skills all the time, will be much easier to navigate because you will know how to update your skills regularly rather than waiting for someone else to organize it for you. 

5.  Identify mentors and check in with them consistently about your progress.  Mentors were invaluable as people with whom I could reflect on my learning and experiences and check in as I planned next steps.  Find the people that you want to grow up to "be like" (p.s. age is irrelevant).   I have learned that people whom I want to emulate often are not able to tell me what I need to do/learn, because they operate with "unconscious competence."  But I studied what they did in order to learn those skills or find people with whom I could learn them, and often reflecting that kind of learning back to them helps them see their gifts; mentoring is a symbiotic relationship.

Curriculum included: (partial list, not complete)

Basics Mediation Training, Steven Rosenberg
Basics Mediation Training, Community Boards
Advanced Mediation Training, Steven Rosenberg
Small Claims Court Mediation Training, San Francisco
Elder Mediation Training, ARMS
Mediation for Community Boars, Office of Citizen Complaints, San Francisco Civil Court: Small Claims Court
Non-Violent Communication
     NVC Bay Area with Marshall Rosenberg
     NVC on Diversity: Race, Class, Gender
Facing Violence World Forum: Conflict Resolution, Ethics & Justice
     Workshops with Public Conversations, Search for Common Ground, Facing History, Facing Ourselves, Angeles Arrien
Healing the Wounds of War on All Sides, Vietnam Tour with Thich Nhat Hanh
     5 week daily practice, 3 3-day long ceremonies in Hanoi, Hue, and Ho Chi Minh City, multiple retreats

Meditation Course, Green Gulch Farm
7 Day Silent Retreat, Green Gulch Farm
Retreat for People of Color, Deer Park Monastery
Retreat for People of Color and Vietnamese-Speaking Community, Deer Park Monastery
People of Color practice group

Study on the way of the Bodhisattva, SFZC
Study of the Lotus Sutra, Green Gulch Farm
Study of 5 Precepts across tradition, Green Gulch study group
Study of 14 Mindfulness Trainings of Plum Village tradition

Learnings

I have not entirely determined an effective way to share what I learned.  In part because much of it was deeply personal to me and that might not be as relevant to others.  I endeavored in 2008 to write some frameworks and methods that endeavored to share my learnings.  These are the beginning and there remains more to share.  Hopefully, in time, the medium or means will present themselves. 

Passive Participation in Conflict

• A framework for recognizing the legacy of injustice on all sides and strategies for healing those experiences to cultivate peace at the base of one's activities.

Mind the Gaps 

• A method for innovative, inclusive problem solving.  A primer on human-centered design, human factors and latent need finding to make solutions inclusive for diverse communities.

I + U Halt Injustice 

• A framework for identifying the areas of capacity needed to support inclusive problem solving

Elder Ethics

• A virtual journal club to examine cases regarding care for older adults in the community setting

Clinical Ethics Consultation: A Mediator's Toolbox

• A primer that induces mediation tools applied to clinical ethics 

Mediating the Holidays

• A workshop on cultivating cultural humility to navigate the differences one encounters in all domains of life