Last year, I had the chance to discover what happens when you crowdsource ideas for $1,000,000 to shape the future of a major metropolitan city, Los Angeles.  

In February of 2013, the Goldhirsh Foundation launched LA2050, a movement shaping and building the future of Los Angeles. Los Angeles is a tale of two cities- breathtaking beauty, poisoning pollution, extraordinary wealth, dire poverty- the paradoxes abound.  

The LA2050 Report provided a snapshot of LA today across 8 indicators of wellbeing (arts & culture, education, environment, health, housing, income & employment, safety, social connectedness)  The LA2050 Report projected how LA might be in 2050 if things continued along the current trajectory. 

LA2050 sought to catalyze a different conversation- a new conversation- about how to bring Angelenos together to harness the creativity, passion and human capital to invent a new future for LA- a future that unleashes everyone's potential.  

LA2050's latest report: 

Unleashing the Potential of Los Angeles identifies themes and trends that emerged in the My LA2050 Grants Challenge. 

Highlights from the report:

1) Collaboration - overwhelmingly proposals came from partnerships and/or proposed partnerships to achieve social impact

2) Cross Indicator Themes emerged: 

1. Youth Engagement
2. Technology
3. Public Space
4. Pop up/Mobile
5. Design & Innovation
6. Transportation
7. The Sharing Economy
8. Social Enterprise & Artpreneurs
9. Storytelling 
10. LA2050 Amplifiers
    

3) Alternative Metrics for Impact: Appendix III

Appendix III shares interesting, innovative ways that projects proposed to evaluate their impact.  Measurement and evaluation are increasingly the focus in the impact sector. Better feedback leads to better results and identifying new metrics for impact may 

I attended a Lean Impact Workshop by Leanne Pittsford of Start Somewhere where we used the Javelin Board to practice the Lean method on a social impact project. 

Within an afternoon, we identified a problem with customers (as distinguished from problems without customers that are not as ideal for a lean business!), tested assumptions with customers and pitched a prototype idea with potential customers.  

The most valuable parts were: 

• thinking with a diverse group of people about how to apply the Lean method: who is the customer, what does the customer need, what is the riskiest assumption and determining what assumption to test 
• applying Leanne Pittsford's  method to build lean tests by getting clear on vision (belief), mission (what you want to do), strategies (how will you do it) and goals (specific what you want to do). 

I designed this Lean Workout by hacking exercises from Eugene Eric Kim's Changemaker Bootcamp Watercooler* and Leanne Pittsford's Lean for Social Good workshop. This Lean Workout was a prototype to see how these two approaches might complement each other in order to accelerate social impact.   

Renee Frissen (right) and I prototyped the Lean Workout with our social impact projects.  Renee founded a Netherlands-based social enterprise Social Tech and I kickstarted OpenQRS.  Erin Beitel (left), a rockstar Teach for America alum, budding digital diva and OpenQRS team member facilitated the Lean Workout.

Prototyping favors action over perfection. The goal is learning- even if it results in the "failure" of an idea. I learned about prototypes and human-centered design working on the product development team for two ehealth startups with David Karshmer who led IDEO's health care practice in the 90s. A rough prototype tested with real customers offers a rapid way to disprove bad ideas in order to get to great ideas faster. We tested every idea immediately with customers in order to iteratively design our product/service offerings.  The Lean method applies this rapid learning approach rigorously.  

I love the premise of Eugene Eric Kim's Changemaker Bootcamp: preparing for effective collaboration is akin to sports training and results from practice!  The Bootcamp workout model aligns with my sense of how to effectively build the capacity and skills for sustainable leadership, collaboration, and rigorous learning.  It struck me that the Bootcamp workout model might also lend itself well to learning-through-applying the Lean approach for social entrepreneurial problem solving.  

In the Lean for Social Good workshop, we didn't have a chance to apply the Lean method to our own initiatives.  I was curious to test how the approach would work if two social enterprise teams paired to work through the Lean method on their respective initiatives. My hypothesis was that having people external to one's project join in this thought process would yield better results, faster.  

1. How does the Lean method work when two companies pair up to apply Lean to their businesses
2. How does the Lean method work when applied to a social impact project?  What are the edge of its usefulness?  

• Many social impact projects have multiple customers (those that pay and those that benefit may or may not be the same).  How does that alter the model? 
  
• Lean is predicated on an environment where risk is possible and failure can be afforded.  Many social impact projects are risk averse due to funding concerns and/or sensitive issues.  How does this culture difference influence the application of lean in these organizations/contexts?

After a quick check in, we did some workouts on our respective projects. 

{Workout #1 Check In: presence, shared understanding}

I shared the OpenQRS story then presented the vision (belief), mission (what you want to do), strategies (how will you do it) and goals (specific what you want to do). 

{Workout #2 Listening: presentation skills; listening}

We adapted the 100 Question Workout from the Changemaker Bootcamp.  15 minutes of rapid fire question generation. One question per post it.   The questions revealed the gaps in storytelling, surfaced assumptions, forced clarity and generated new thinking about the project. 

Then, we clustered the questions into themes. OpenQRS will use these questions as prompts for blog posts next month. 

{Workout #3 Asking Generative Questions: listening, synthesizing, critical and creative thinking}

We ended with a Q&A to get answers needed for feedback to refine the vision, mission, strategies and goals. Then we switched projects and we did a repeat of the same workout for Renee's.  


{Workout #4 Dialogue: listening, synthesizing, responding in real time}

While it was still fresh, we put Renee's project through the Javelin Board.  We discovered that her multi-prong approach to move forward meant that she had multiple potential customers.  A common feature of social impact projects is that the beneficiary is not always the same person who pays. Both are customers. Teasing out the different potential customers to determine a lean test was a great learning process. 

{Workout #5 Javelin: clarifying, refining, designing tests, getting out of the building, talking with customers}

Consistent with the Changemaker Bootcamp model that emphasizes these skills benefit from regular practice. Renee and I will continue our Lean Workouts in weekly check ins.  

Here is our weekly Lean Workout Agenda:
Check In 
1. My greatest success/win from last week:
2. My priority for the week is _____
3. My most inspiring moment last week was ______
4. Here's what I'm struggling with ______
5. _______ is on my 1 month horizon 
6. _______ is on my 3-6 month horizon 
7. Lean test from last week report back
8. Lean test for this week
9. (optional) My topic for 15 min brainstorm/open issue discussion

If requested, clarifying questions & reflections. 
Listener jots notes for the speaker.  
Repeat.

• The 100 Question Workout was a high yield activity and a highlight of the day. (Thanks Eugene for sharing it and Changemaker Bootcamp Alum Eugene Chan for telling me about it!)
• An external partner in this process surfaces assumptions and forces the implicit to be explicit
• Helping the other enterprise provides the opportunity for great insights on one's own project even when the businesses are completely different!
• A 3rd party process facilitator keeps the flow and provides a fresh perspective

Ideas for Future Iterations: 

• Add a 5 minute reflective discussion just after the pitch. The listeners "sensemake" what they heard immediately after the pitch. The speaker listens to how the listeners understood the project: the way they talk about it, what words stuck, what things were unclear and learn from the gaps, questions, interpretations. (Renee's suggestion- great idea!)
• Prompt participants to maintain a "cross learning" notebook/paper to jot down reflections for their project as they work on the other project.  Alternatively, build 3 min reflection breaks after each workout to capture ideas/lateral thinking from working on your own/the other project. 

• Clarified use of the Javelin Board
• Identified the multiple customers for a social impact project
• Trimmed the project to its bare essentials to an MVP that can be tested iteratively
• Surfaced critical riskiest assumptions that narrowed the focus for MVP testing

Here is our full agenda including our notes from the Lean for Social Good Summit (These are unedited and may include Dutch and English).

Grateful to Eugene and Leanne who inspired this Lean Workout!  For more in depth resources, please follow up with Leanne Pittsford of Start Somewhere and Eugene Eric Kim of the Changemaker Bootcamp and Faster than 20. 

*Disclaimer: I've not participated in the Changemaker Bootcamp. These activities reflect my interpretations of exercises from the Changemaker Bootcamp Watercooler.  

Have you done something similar?  I would love to hear your thoughts on this approach.

This Kodak Instamatic FILM camera belongs to my friend, Reika Goh- my 16 year old neighbor who just moved back to Singapore.  She bought it at a thrift store in San Francisco.  The story of the FILM camera began with one of those milestone moments of adulthood.  It went something like this...

I was driving my two teen neighbors home after our final Hapa-Hafu Kitchen Project (HKP)- a semi-regular time to cook fusion foods that celebrate our mixed heritages. As I drove, I overheard this conversation between the girls sitting in the back:
Reika: "I went thrifting last weekend on Haight St"
Clarissa: "My sister and her friends like to do that, did you get anything?"
Reika: "Yeah! I got a FILM camera!!!"
Clarissa: "Oh, wow, that's cool! I got a FILM camera from my Dad. What kind of FILM camera is it?"
Reika: "A Kodak Instamatic, it's such a COOL FILM camera!"
Clarissa: "Does it work?"
Reika: "I think so, but I have to put new film in it. I'm SO excited to have a FILM camera."

All I could hear was this strange use of the word FILM with camera.  I piped in: "Wait, why are you girls talking about a FILM camera? All cameras use film." Silence... "Oh,...wait,.... right I guess, they're digital now... oh, right, and mobile phones as cameras... Wait, wait, you mean, you girls haven't ever known film in cameras?"  

In the typical, resistant disbelief one experiences in these moments, I said confidently, ardently, "Surely, they still sell cameras that use film in stores; high end cameras use film. Of course, a store like Best Buy also sells cameras with film, not only thrift stores." At that moment, we passed a Best Buy and determined by a haze of denial and curiosity, I bet the girls $1 that Best Buy sold cameras with FILM.  So in we went and wandered around the "camera" section --- all digital cameras--- disbelief!  Thanks to disposable FILM cameras, I didn't lose the $1, but it was humbling.  As we got back into the car, I groveled, "Oh man, I'm officially old now! Thanks for bearing with me through that 'catching up with time' moment."  Laughter erupted!
 
Then I wanted to get into the nitty gritty details, "So, does the camera have undeveloped film in it?"
Reika: "Yes, but it's not recoverable."
Kate: "Why not?"
Reika: "It's in a cartridge and I would have to take it out in pitch dark and I don't think it'll work"
Kate: "Of course, it can be done! And WE HAVE to do it! Imagine what story might be hidden in the film?! Who gives away a camera with film in it?  Pictures tell a story- maybe it's a love story, a mystery to be solved. We have to find out the story inside this camera-- where it's been, to whom it belonged, it'll be a mystery for the HKP to solve..." 
Reika: "I don't think it'll work, it has to be pitch dark and we have to get it out of the cartridge and keep it sealed. And I think the film is really old, kind of like the camera."
Kate: "We can do it! We have to do it!"  

Back to Kate:

So, when we got home that night, I converted my bathroom into a dark room.  We took the cartridge out of the camera and began fiddling with it. Pulling, twisting, pulling, twisting.  It was hard to pull apart. At one point, it seemed that there was no way we could break this plastic without damaging the cartridge (remember this was all in the dark!) Then it "popped" (i.e. we cracked it) and then we worked that crack until it opened.  As I pulled the film out, there was a layer of paper attached to the back of the film.  I rolled it up and placed it into this double sealed wood container.  We put an extra layer of tape on the outside to make sure that it didn't open and expose the film.

I went off to Europe and Africa for work.  Reika moved back to Singapore.  The film canister sat neglected on my desk until the fall when I met Eugene Kim, an avid photographer who posted something on Facebook about film and it reminded me that I wanted to get the film developed.  I asked for a recommendation of a place to get film developed-- realizing that now, getting FILM developed is a novelty.  

Eventually, I took the container to Gasser Photo in San Francisco. I had an excited though mostly incoherent conversation with the very patient, knowledgable employee who listened to my story about the camera.  She endeavored to decipher what kind of camera it was, because I kept referring to the "cartridge" yet said that it was not a Polariod. I didn't remember the make/model of camera or know the type of film.  She opined that it was 110 film and advised me that I needed to be sure what type of film it was before I got it developed.  While that is quite logical, it had entirely slipped my mind.  I had only known 35 mm film and polariods; I didn't realize there were so many different types of film!

I emailed Reika in Singapore to confirm the film type from the cartridge container; 126 film was the reply.  Then began the quest to find a photo lab that could develop 126 film. Thanks to Wikipedia, I learned about different types of film and discovered that Kodak discontinued making 126 film in 2008, so there are very few labs with the chemicals needed to develop this type of film.  On a January trip to LA, I decided to check for photo labs. It's Hollywood- people use film here! Sure enough, I found Simi Valley Photo Lab.  I called the shop and they had the chemicals to develop 126 film though the owner strongly warned me that it was likely that there would be nothing viewable on the film.  While I was wildly enthusiastic about the story that might come from these long lost pictures, I was equally pragmatic to realize that it was likely 30+ year old film, subjected to who knows what conditions and would almost certainly be unreadable. 

When I went to the store to drop off the film, I told the owner about the adventures with the FILM camera that was now in Singapore.  He suggested that I wait while the film was developed since it was likely there wouldn't be anything on it, so that I didn't unnecessarily pay for images to be scanned.  He seemed perplexed by my enthusiasm to develop pictures from a camera that wasn't mine.  I explained that I was following through on the project with my 16 year old friend and I wanted her to have a sense of the joys and wonder from learning the history of "things" - all too forgotten in a highly disposable world.  He commented, "Who do you think are the ones who are using film cameras?  It's almost all teenagers." I left for 30 minutes where I waited for what seemed like an eternity.  It was exactly 1 year since the car conversation that started this whole adventure... what would come of it? 

I drove back to the shop and went in.  The owner emerged from the back with a roll of negatives and a look of disbelief.  "Well, you won't believe it but there are images on here." I ordered scanned images to be emailed.  They arrived a week later.  I was shocked by how well they turned out!  

Last post in a series recapping a workshop on Habits for Communicating Across Difference at UnCollege, a revolutionary gap year program for self-directed learning founded by Thiel Fellow and education changemaker Dale Stephens. 

Goal: Speak in a way that others can hear

Skills:

• To know what you want the listener to do, feel and understand
  
• To be congruent by aligning your layers  
• To be prepared with SCARF

First and foremost, if the other person has shared/spoken first, then it is essential to fully acknowledge what they have said so the person is "primed" to listen to you.  [See the first post, especially Habit 3]

A key aspect of speaking in order to be heard is focusing intently on the listener.  It's not about what I want to say, it's about what will the listener hear?  How can I accomplish my goal to be heard most effectively?  

1. Be Clear on the Message
This means that I need to know what I want the listener to do, feel and understand. (1) It may help to identify 2-3 key points and how they can be illustrated.  Then I think about how to communicate that so that the message can be heard.  I start with each of the layers from Habit 3 and make them congruent to deliver the message that I want to convey.  What's the data that I'm sharing, what emotions do I have and how am I expressing them (explicitly/indirectly), what interests/needs/values are involved, what part of my identity may be at stake and how am I managing that in this conversation. [See Habit 3]

2. Prepare, then Be Present
When I speak about an issue where I may encounter differing perspectives, I've found meditation helpful [See Habit 1], because effective communication hinges upon the ability to respond well.  Thinking analytically prepares me only so much- being fully present in the moment is priceless! 

3. Know Common Triggers & Recovery Tactics
Deepening awareness with common sources of conflict [Habit 5/6] enables me to know what issues might trigger other people.  When a difficult issues arises, I endeavor to keep focused on the problem, not the person. Even when a person may appear to be intertwined with an issue, look for ways to separate the person from the problem. (2)  

If things feels shaky, one method that I find helpful is to refocus on mutual respect and mutual purpose. (3)  Then I pay attention to language stripping judgements and interpretations from what I say and focusing on objective language.  [Habit 2] 

4. Engage with Generative Questions 
Approach difference with questions that can be answered together is a way to generate dialogue.  Even seemingly "stupid questions" about the obvious enable shared meaning and shared understanding around language that we assume to share-- yet rarely do.  

Try this: next time you are out with a group of people; ask each person to share what "respect" means to them and how it is demonstrated.  The diversity of responses may surprise you on this word that is so often something that we assume to have shared meaning. 

Additional generative questions resources: strategic questioning manual by Fran Peavey (via Seb Paquet), art of questioning workshop by Oscar Brenifier, and asking generative questions (via Eugene Eric Kim). 

5. Bring SCARF When Needed
There are common issues that may trigger someone; remember the SCARF: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relationship, Fairness.  These are core identity-related issues that may prompt strong reactions when they are perceived to be threatened.  Here are some tips for how to navigate them:  

Do the SCARF topics seem familiar? Most are reflect in the Habit 4 values continua. Status/Relatedness fall under Social Structure; Certainty/Autonomy fall under Power;   

For many people, one of the hardest parts of speaking may be when one has an "ask."  Here are a couple of thoughts on preparing for a conversation with a request.  

1. Ask versus Demand

Many people wait until in a perilous situation to ask for assistance; this context can make an ask into a thinly veiled demand, because the high stakes decrease the other person's ability to say "no" without risking the relationship.  To break this cycle, tease "hidden demands" out of one's ask.  A simple test: when "no" is not an OK answer, then you aren't making an ask, you are making a hidden demand. 

2. Invite Brainstorm

Express your need/want and invite others to brainstorm with you on potential solutions.  By focusing on what is needed rather than on an initially identified or preferred solution, everyone has the opportunity to identify solutions.  This may generate more ideas than initially considered as well as more buy in from people who participate in generating ideas. 

After the workshop, a Fellow asked: "What did you mean when you said that a person's Myers-Brigg profile would change?  I'm an INTJ. It fits me exactly. I'm not going to change."  

I took a deep breath. [Habit 1]  I could hear tension in the Fellow's voice, [Habit 3] and I thought about SCARF [Habit 6]- what might have been triggered?  I reflected on what I heard-- a threat to status, as an NTJ; perhaps a challenge to certainty, because if how he understood himself was variable, it might alter his sense of certainty about his place in the world. [Habit 3] and if on the continuum [Habit 4-5],   he has high uncertainty avoidance, this kind of change could be perceived as very threatening. 

I endeavored to model empathy poker.  "When I said, 'a person's Myers-Brigg preference profile might, and likely would, change over time,' I'm wondering if you may have felt distressed or uneasy," I paused to look for affirmation from the Fellow, he nodded. Then I continued "because it sounds as though you have found comfort in the self-understanding that the Myers-Brigg affords you?" He nodded.  So let's put this experience in the context of providing self-care, I imagine the internal dialogue might have sounded like this: "When Kate commented that 'a person's Myers-Briggs profile might change,'  I felt anxious, because my need for certainty about how I engage with the world was challenged. I acknowledge that I value this tool because it gives me a sense of clarity about myself and how I fit in the world.  It's OK if Kate has a different view on the tool, because I am comfortable with the tool."  [Habit 2] "Yes." 

As the fellow's voice and body relaxed, we began an enriching and expanding conversation about our different perspectives on the Myers-Brigg.  We discussed how one can use a framework such as the Myers-Brigg and the conflict continuas as a tool for building skills to communicate across difference, because ultimately, we want to be able to reach other people- to connect, to share ideas- and if we consider where we are on the continuum [Habit 4], then we can learn how to communicate with people who fall on a different end of the spectrum.  [Habit 5]. When one learns how to notice one's reaction and apply these techniques, it opens the possibility to learn about differing views without being defended and defensive when discussing topics that challenge one's beliefs, experiences, views and values.  

Everyone is different and understanding your own communication style and the habits that you need to develop in order to communicate effectively are personal- that's the art of communication.   To emphasize the importance of focusing on this personal approach, the last "habit" was left open for participants to identify and share their unique strategies for communicating effectively across difference.  

Additional habits identified from fellows and some that I have gathered from colleagues include:

• Listening with One's Eyes: 

            - Paying attention to non-verbal cues from body language, hand movements, eye contact, etc.

• Listening for What is Not Said
• Playing Music Together

             -  Making music together creates shared communication not dependent on language

•  ... 

I would love to hear your favorite habit for communicating effectively across difference.  Please share your habit for communicating across difference in the comments!

1. Creating Engaging Presentations, Ariel Group Interact Blog. 
2. Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and WIlliam Ury.
3. Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler
4. SCARF: a brain-based model for collaborating with and influencing others, NeuroLeadership Journal by David Rock.
5. High Performance Communication, Ed Batista.
6. Power of Positive No by William Ury.
7. Strategic Questioning Manual by Fran Peavey (via Seb Paquet)
8, Groupaya's Asking Generative Questions (via Eugene Eric Kim)

This is the second of three posts about a workshop: 7 Habits for Communicating Across Difference at UnCollege, the revolutionary gap year program for self-directed learning founded by Thiel Fellow and education changemaker Dale Stephens. 

Goal:  Know Your "Continuum of Conflict" Profile

Skills: 

• To develop awareness about the continuum of values that often lead to conflict
  
• To know where one falls on each continuum
  
• To understand how to recognize these common differences between individuals
  
• To develop awareness to look for diversity among individuals even within "stereotypical groups"
  
• To cultivate a vocabulary to celebrate differences
  

How does your environment/experience influence your perspective?  Are the bold vertical lines the same or different lengths?

(a) People acculturated to perspective see the right-hand line as longer than the left.

(b) As background lines do not suggest a perspective, one can see the lines are the same length.[1]

1. Variations around Social Structure
2. Variations around Time
3. Variations around Power
4. Variations around Communication Style
5. Variations around Information and Decisions

Many core values and beliefs fall on a continuum; several of these continua are common sources of conflict.  These continua provide an opportunity to determine one's preferences and style. To know oneself is the first step to cultivating the capacity to recognize when and where diverging perspectives may arise around everyday issues.  Applying this skill to familiar aspects of daily life, one develops “cultural humility.”  

By looking at the many ways that individuals vary even within a group, it is possible to see beyond “stereotypes."  The ability to ask questions with open-hearted curiosity about what things mean to another person affording the opportunity to become an explorer in the adventure of everyday life. See "Read More" for full set of continuum of conflict.

Goal:  Communicate Across Differences

Skills: 

• To acknowledge differences 
  
• To bridge differences by normalizing different perspectives 
  
• To connect from difference to common ground
  

[1] Whitehouse, Roger. The Uniqueness of Individual Perception, in Information Design, ed. Jacobsen, R. MIT Press, 1999.
[2] Continuum of Conflict adapted from: Avruch K, Culture & Conflict Resolution, United States Institute of Peace Press, 1998.  Chew PK, The Conflict & Culture Reader, NYU Press 2001.  LeBaron M, Bridging Cultural Conflicts, Jossey-Bass Press, 2003.  "Mapping Cultures: Strategies for Effective Intercultural Negotiations" in Second Tractk/Citizens' Diplomacy, edited by J. Davies and E. Kaufman.  Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.: 149-160.  Moore, C.W. and Peter Woodrow. 2002. As well as Myers-Briggs Literature. 

January kicked off with a return visit to UnCollege, the revolutionary gap year program for self-directed learning founded by Thiel Fellow and education changemaker Dale Stephens. UnCollege offers a mentored environment for Fellows to pursue their own learning goals.  As someone who self-designed a "masters" in leadership, ethics and conflict resolution in the School of Life and who designed my own major in college, I appreciate UnCollege's model to advance and legitimize self-directed learning. 

To align with UnCollege's weekly theme of "Habits," the workshop introduced "7 Habits for Communicating Across Difference."  Facilitating the workshop was a delightful opportunity to learn with UnCollege's engaged, curious and highly motivated Fellows. 

Goal: Meditate in order to develop awareness of your thoughts 

Skills:

• To develop awareness of your thoughts and notice when your mind wanders
  
• To observe the thoughts (reactions, judgements, ideas) in your mind
  
• To concentrate on specific thoughts and to (re)focus your wandering mind
• To grow your ability to "mind the gap" - the moment between a stimulus and your response 
• To generate insight, compassionate responses and wise action in the "gap"
  

When I learned to meditate and began practicing it daily, I began to be able to hear the noise of my mind.  to notice my reactions that interfered with my ability to actually listen effectively.   My first meditation teacher, Ingen Breen, explained, "with meditation one cultivates the ability to "mind the gap" - the moment between a stimulus and our response to it.  As we deepen our practice, we are able to widen the gap and instead of reacting unconsciously, we gain the ability to respond intentionally."  Once I learned to hear my "noise, I was able to concentrate on filtering it out in order to truly listen to another person. 

When I mention meditation, people often say, "Oh, I can't do that.  My mind goes everywhere." Several meditation teachers have offered the insight that there are many types of meditation; one purpose of meditation is to cultivate awareness of one's thoughts, which doesn't mean to have no thoughts, rather it means to be aware of the mind as it "goes everywhere."  Simply watch the thoughts and come back to one's breath. With that in mind, the workshop began with two minutes of silence following a simple prompt: "Breathing in I am aware I am breathing in, breathing out I am aware I am breathing out. In, Out."  

We ended with a quick debrief about the experience.  One fellow reflected, "I had to catch my mind from wandering about 20 times." To which, I replied, "Bravo! Most people don't even notice their mind wandering. You noticed it 20 times- that's advanced!" 

What other practices do you use to quiet your mind? to develop awareness of your thoughts? 

Goal:  Listen to oneself in order to be able to listen deeply to others
 
Skills:

• To develop awareness of your inner dialogue (judgments, feelings, needs, interests)
  
• To recognize your feelings and needs
  
• To acknowledge your feelings and to meet your needs
  
• To be prepared to listen to others without your feelings, needs, thoughts getting in the way
  

The second habit is what to do with the "noise" that begins when you hear your mind.  I have found the application of the Non Violent Communication (NVC) model effective for self-care.  Applied to oneself*, NVC is a powerful tool for cultivating self awareness and emotional reliance.  

The first step is to distinguish between an observation and judgments.  Our ability to interpret is infinite and often embedded.  Slowing our responses down enough to simply address what is observed (seen/heard) unencumbered by the meaning we attribute to it is a skill that takes practice.  Once we identify what triggered a reaction, we can uncode our response.  We have to learn to strip away the judgments and interpretations to only the objective information, when I see "x" or when I hear "y."  

The next two steps require developing the skills to recognize and unpack one's reaction to triggers.  I didn't know that I had a limited feeling vocabulary until I attended an NVC workshop on race, class and gender.  The instructor read "highly charged" statements aloud and we had to go to stand next to "feeling words" that were scattered around the room.  Even with only the basics of mad, glad, sad, bad and scared, it was a challenging exercise.  So began my journey in emotional language literacy; the feelings list included below under "Read More" helped immensely to grow my emotions vocabulary. 
 
My initial reaction to the step of identifying one's needs was "pfff."  In health professions though our work centers around helping/serving others in great need, the clinical culture often supports denial of one's own needs and often a distain/rejection of 'neediness' expressed by others, except one's patients, of course.  What I hadn't realized until I learned to identify my needs and address them myself was how much I relied on and subconsciously imposed on others to meet my needs. [My apologies all!] Learning this step was empowering and liberating. See the needs list included below under "Read More."

The last step is a request.  When this model is applied to oneself*, one asks how can I meet this need for myself.  I share this NVC framework for self-care and as a tool to develop resilience and empowerment with the ability to acknowledge and meet one's own needs.  

*I share the NVC model with the caveat that, there are cultural values embedded within it. Particularly with regard to the emphasis on "I" statements, which may not translate to cultures grounded in more communitarian concepts of self.  As well, when the NVC model is unskillfully applied on others, it can be quite violent.  Thus, I share this as a tool to be applied only with oneself. 

Goal: Listen to understand another

Skills:

• To learn the 4 parts of listening to understand
  
• To know what layers to listen for 
  
• To respond to and acknowledge each layer

Listening seemed easy until I actually started to pay attention to it. Then, I discovered, it's an art.  I have learned different techniques for listening, but it wasn't until I started meditating that I became aware of noise in my head that often gets in the way of listening to others (see Habit 1).  Then I learned to quiet my noise with the NVC model (see Habit 2) and fully show up to listen to another person. 

A common element among different listening techniques (active listening, reflective listening, empathic listening) is emphasis that listening is an active verb.  Listening is bi-directional; it requires engagement by both parties.  Listening necessitates more than passively hearing the other person. It is completed by the listener reflecting back what is understood from what has been said.

I serve as a volunteer mediator for the San Francisco Police Department's Office of Citizen Complaints.  Unlike traditional mediation that results in a contractual agreement, our goal is to foster "understanding", which, at times, can feel unclear as a final outcome.  Understanding does not require agreement on the facts; it means to acknowledge what another person experienced even if your view of the same situation differs. In these mediations sometimes if it hard to know when we've achieved "understanding."  A few years ago, I created this framework: a four part process of Listening to Understand- our goal for that mediation process.  When communication breaks down in any situation, this model may be helpful to check back and acknowledge each of the four steps.  

Now that my mind is quiet, what am I listening for?  

When I listen, I am paying attention to layers.  Just as an iceberg has the visible tip with 80% beneath, so I find it is also with language.  People's stories- narrative, details, facts- reveal only about 20% of what is really going on. To listen effectively, one needs to develop the skills to hear the other 80%.  When you are able to reflect 100% of the "message" back to a person, s/he will feel heard. Interestingly, often, it's less about the 20% that a person says and much more important to reflect the unspoken 80% for a person to feel truly heard.

So, let's give your ears some hooks to grab onto as the stream of words flow at you. 

First, the data layer- that's what's in plain sight; what a person says, the facts, details. Data focuses on the observation- "what happened" removing judgement and interpretive language as much as possible. Repeating data back may be particularly important for some people to know that you listened, but it is rarely where you will find what needs to be reflected for a person to feel "understood."

The feelings layer surfaces emotions, which may be expressed directly by feeling words; beware, people tend to use the expression "I feel" followed by words that are not emotions. (see feelings list below under "read more"). Often, feelings can be "heard" in other ways.  Tone, pitch, pace may offer clues about someone's emotions.  Body language, including if a person leans forward (engaged) or sits back stiffly with arms folded (closed), may reveal a person's feelings.  

The needs/interests layer surfaces what is really going on.  Here, I am listening for core needs/values. (see needs list below under read more) as well as unspoken concerns and underlying interests.  The negotiation classic Getting to Yes introduced the concept to "focus on interests, not positions." People say they want X (position), but it's because they need Y (interest). There may be other ways to achieve Y, but all they may say is "we want X."  

When I listen for interests, I am listening past what is said explicitly to understand what the person's real concerns and needs are. When I am not sure, I'll test my assumptions, ask stupid questions, and probe gently to uncover the person's underlying interests.    

Finally, while it may not always come up, when it does, the identity layer is the deep part of the iceberg that could sink the ship, or conversation, in this case. Our identity is the essence of who we are and how we understand ourselves in the world. Addressing someone's identity that may be threatened in a conversation is critical for people to feel understood and safe.  When a person's identity is threatened, they may respond with very strong emotions. Identity may surface as being a good person, a good friend (family: mother/father, daughter/son, brother/sister), a good worker (coworker, employee, boss), a good ____ (doctor, plumber, designer) ... Tip: Identity issues may be triggered around how people to relate to the topics addressed in Habit 5.

Once you hear layers, you need to reflect back your understanding.  Here are some suggested methods; different techniques that can be applied to each layer.

Tip for reflecting emotions: It can be jarring to have someone "tell" you how you feel, so I find it's better to use a direct quote, e.g. "You said you feel 'quote word'."  Mirroring the exact emotion word often helps a person to feel heard because we often have subtly different connotations with words. Note: Paraphrasing emotions when repeating back may result in a person feeling not heard. Especially if a paraphrase/reframed emotion word is perceived to diminish its intensity. 

Tip for reflecting values/needs/interests: It may be helpful to frame it as a question, e.g. "It sounds like Y is really important to you?"  or "I wonder if you need Y? " This extra space allows the other person to determine whether or not, you've heard what they are saying.  

So, how exactly does this work?   After the workshop, a Fellow came up and said, "I am a developer- really rationale and my mom is really irrational, err, emotional.  I would like to have a better relationship with her but we just aren't able to communicate.  I think that what you presented could really help me- what books should I read to learn more about this?" 

I paused, "That's a great question. But actually, from your participation, I think you have a good handle on the information so I'm skeptical that more knowledge is what you need, I suspect the most important thing you can do is practice. Let's start with an example.  Suppose your mom comes home and finds that no one has emptied the dishwasher and explodes in a highly emotional way.  You can't relate to that intensity of emotion; it's completely irrational and dialogue seems impossible. Is that a fair hypothetical?"  "Sure." 

"OK, so let's start with the tools we discussed when your mom reacts at you in a highly emotional way.  Normally, you would judge it as irrational and dismiss her emotional response.  But now, you've started to meditate and realize that you have a choice in your reaction. [Habit 1]  

You pause your response long enough to listen to what's happening for you. [Habit 2] When you hear your mom speak with extreme emotional intensity and the words: "no one unloaded the dishwasher," how do you feel? ... You can study the feeling list to come up with words.  Let's imagine that you feel scared, because her response seems out of calibration with the situation and your need for congruity and to understand are challenged by the dissonance she's expressed.  Perhaps you feel mad at yourself because you value participating in the household and you want to support your Mom but you didn't notice the dishwasher needed to be emptied... In that moment, you could give yourself support-- as an adult, you know that you are OK even if someone is yelling at you and you know that you are a good son and you do contribute to the household even if you missed this opportunity to pitch in.  Now that you listened to yourself and addressed your needs first, you realize that you are OK, and now you are ready to show up to fully listen to her."

"So, you stop and listen to her by acknowledging what she's saying, 'Mom, no one helped you by putting the dishes away, I can understand that would be really frustrating.' Incidentally, she might look at you in shock if you've never responded this way to her before.  Then you might say, 'How was your day?' or 'How does that make you feel?' 

Remember, you are listening to understand the layers of what is going on for her.  The data that you have is that the dishwasher wasn't emptied, the intense emotional response indicates that this set off something deeper-- is it that she doesn't feel appreciated? Maybe that she doesn't feel supported?  Maybe a stranger was rude to her and she's feeling the compounded effect of disrespect? Look at the needs list (under Read More) and listen to understand what she needs in that moment.  


You want to learn what is the underlying interest behind the dishwasher getting emptied- what does it "signify" to her- chances are it isn't about the dishes. Then you want to acknowledge all the layers so that she feels heard and understood. 'Mom, I understand that you've had a tough day and coming home to find that no one pitched in to help put the dishes away was frustrating.  I guess it might feel like no one supports you around the house, especially that no one noticed or thought to check the dishwasher.'  Then you want to acknowledge whatever the deeper layers are for her that you've uncovered." [Habit 3] 

Most of all, I suggest that you practice this with your colleagues.  Practice the Empathy Poker exercise with people whenever you can.  It's a muscle and you need to build it.  It is best to practice in lower stakes situations so that you are ready in a high stakes encounter, such as family who are the best at triggering us.  These habits are skills and being able to use them artfully is all about practice." 

1. Peace in Every Step, Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh
2. Wherever you go, there you are, Jon Kabat Zinn
3. Non Violent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg
4. Empathic Listening (Introduced at Steve Rosenberg's Mediation Training)
5. Getting to Yes, Robert Fisher and William Ury. 
6. Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen.